I have not written here in a long time mainly because I had little to say and I have been locked inside myself because of yet another battle with my mental health. With all that has gone on in the past few years with trauma of my tumour, loss of a loved pet in such sad circumstances and finally having to endure months of lock down because of COVID-19 my mind finally broke big time as now I am suffering Anxiety.
This is something which was little unexpected as I never had Anxiety so bad that it almost crippled me mentally and got so bad that I almost walked out of my job rather than face the everyday struggle of getting up in the morning and going to work. Last few months have not been most pleasant experiences of my life at some points it was worse than finding out that I had the tumour.
But there is but I am now fighting my Anxiety which is still battle and half but now I am slowing winning with help of NHS again and work which has got me through the worse days. As always my partner is constant who is just there when I need it. In some ways I am proud of myself as I am still here, have a job and still alive. This may sound like small things to some people but for sufferers of mental illness it is a big thing.
Still saying this there is still a long way before I am back to what I call normality mentally for me and I know there will be days when I will have to battle myself just to do something or live. Each day I win is bonus and step forward.
I have been quiet here for the last few months because I have been feeling a little lost and disconnected with the world around me. All not really helped by the fact that work has left me on furlough and they still has not told me if I have a job or not a month after my shielding was over.
I suspect it is because of the continuing real lack of real leadership shown by our government during this crisis which has certainly exasperated the situation making it more confusing and lengthy process for all involved. It really has help people like myself who have been ordered to stay home because of shielding something which has not been most pleasant experience because of not knowing what was going to happen in the future.
Plus not knowing has really knocked my depression and anxiety really at a time when I didn’t really need it as I am still going through the process of fighting a return of my tumour which is an ongoing process with over a year ago. The whole thing has put me what best called a holding pattern in my life and made me very lethargic on so many levels. A frustrating place to be as I would want to move forward away from what happened not end up feeling like my life is slipping away with nothing achieved.
Though recent months has not all been bad as once again I am focusing on restarting the role-playing group I have been trying to start over the last few years but on-line because of the COVID-19 crisis who i slowly bearing fruit in so much I now have started to run role-playing games regularly. It has gone a long way to give me a focus on something which is positive and constructive in a time when the world around us is negative and intent on destroying itself.
The running and preparation for the role-playing certainly keeps my mind and imagination active on things which allow it to grow rather than vegetate and get trapped on pointless things. It is certainly having a good effect as now I am thinking of the next games I want to run already which ideas of what to put in them.
So last few months have been a very mixed and difficult to really see a real future ahead other than same old issues all of our own making.
After over 18 weeks of lock down and constant bombardment of misinformation and lies from a media that should know better at the moment I feel disconnected to the world around me. I have got to a point I do not want to leave my home a join a world which I now have nothing in common with that is a world based on hate, lies and ignorance. A world which lacks imagination, colour and basic humanity perpetuated by those two lazy to question those in power or happy to believe in the lies rather than face the truth.
The irony here if they faced the truth things would be so much easier as they would find what they were told was scary in the end not so scary but something which needs to be done. Yest the truth sometimes can be hard work but in the end it can be far more rewarding. From my personal experience lies just paper over the cracks and mean nothing ever gets done as they become excuses to do nothing and hide from the world.
I know this sounds very negative but it is how a feel at the moment trapped in a place I do not want to be anymore surrounded by people who want to live a lie. I see no way out at the moment as both recent events and those I surround myself with have conspired to aggravate may depression and dark thoughts.
Just how hard I try to escape even into my Role-Playing and imagination I cannot escape as the problems follow me. I am getting to a point of screaming at the world and finding a place where I can escape it once and for time.
Another week of lock down starts but at least now there is a faint hope that there will be an end to it for me but there is still that thought in the back of my mind that it may be extended because sadly those in power have really messed things up. But in the end it has been a worthwhile exercise as it made sure that I avoided catching the virus as if I caught the virus it would not be a pleasant experience.
At the moment I am finding it difficult not to spiral into a deep depression with all that is going on in the world around us that is a media which continuously looks on the dark side of our situation and money before lives and suffering of people. Add to this they simply refuse to look at the positive effects of the lock down as a chance to change things for the better.
But one again I constantly fight these dark clouds of depression which basically means I end up with days I do nothing really constructive and beat my chest in pointless battles against people who simply will not change because their fear of actually living. This something I cannot afford to do anymore as it become very clear to myself that living in fear is not an option for me anymore.
Half the art at the moment is finding a way to restart myself again and harness that darkness in my heart for better things use it to creating something rather than allow it to destroy me by it eating what makes up me. It seams as always my life is constant fight with myself and it looks like something I am going to do until the day I die.
It has been a couple of weeks when I have been just holding myself together because the lock down is starting to really get on my nerves because of the uncertainties around it. As I have said not helped by those in power’s criminal incompetence who have succeed to make an already difficult situation even worse especially for people like myself who have to endure Shielding over the previous 12 weeks.
At the moment it is difficult to motivate myself to do anything as it really feels like nothing really worth the effort anymore not helped by the feeling the world outside is falling apart with the recent events happening world around us. It really does not help that people like myself are trapped in our homes because of the COVID-19 crisis. All further not helped by the suspicion that my shielding may be extended at the end of the month because of failures of others to control the whole crisis effectively.
On a better note as always I am started to fight back against this lethargy and start to work on a one-off role-playing game next week which should give me something more positive to focus on in this negative world of ours. Add to this I am starting to think about a new web site for my role-playing group I have been trying to create over the past year with mixed success.
So in the end it has not been all bad over the past weeks just difficult.