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Last day of my holiday a tomorrow I go back to work and little worrying I am little indifferent about it that is not overly worried or really looking forward to it. It is going to be a day of drinking tea, chores between thinking about what I actually want to run on Tuesday night’s role-playing game. This assuming that anyone actually turns up on-line on the evening.

I am getting my mind into gear to try the newer version of the White Wolf’s World of Darkness series of storytelling role-playing games, Chronicles of Darkness. Though I have read rules and background a couple of times and it has not really sunk in a it is one of those times to simply jump in and run the game learning as I go along. I am but excited about doing this as I have not done this for decades and it is exactly how I learnt to run Advanced Dungeons and Dragons those years ago.

Now just finding people who would join me in learning a new game which at the moment is strangely very difficult as recent events has given people a siege mentality meaning they are almost afraid to try something new. Myself I found myself with same mentality but unlike them I did something about it. Now I want to move forward and try new things especially with role-playing games.

I always wonder why life constantly attempts to make things difficult for me though it does make me more determined to get things done. Just a shame I still have no idea where I want my career to progress to.

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I am feeling a lot better in myself today but a little tired as we had lot of activity this morning with the delivery of a new washing machine. As per usual I keep forgetting I am still on my Chemotherapy which means I can tire myself quickly though now I do not worry about the fact I can spend and afternoon asleep. At one point I was which become a vicious circle and accepting it now helps.

I am back to fighting for my role-playing group and my vision of it which I still think is still a good idea especially on-line. There are a lot of traditional tabletop role-playing games and there is definite place out there for groups which use the more flexible storytelling tabletop role-playing games. Myself I find storytelling role-playing game far more rewarding to run as they become a game created both by the storyteller and players. When it works well it creates a role-playing game in which everyone feels a part of it and its creation.

So it is worth the effort trying to get the group up and running just a slow process which frustrates me greatly at times but in the end it will be worth it.

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So far it has been frustrating week of things not going as I expected and disappointments which I will get over eventually. As thing start to fall into place into a new normal, hopefully a better normal, I suspect things will start to move forward. All helped by the fact I am beating the tumour with few months to go before the all clear.

The disappointment is the frustration of getting the role-playing group up and running as in these weird times people have seamed to gone into their own personal lock downs most self absorbed by what is going on. It is understandable. But after over year of shielding I want to start socialising again even be it on-line including running tabletop role-playing games again some new and some old.

It also helps I am finally founds ways to cope with the Anxiety and feeling sick because of the chemotherapy one which is a little strange but works so I am not arguing. I still do not feel brave or hero because of my fight against the tumour as it is not something I have to cope with and got used to.

I know this entry is a bit rambling but I always write what I feel here which sometimes might even make sense.

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It has been a fun day trying to keep awake as at the moment all I want to do is sleep though I suspect it is because things have slowed down over the last week and my body is relaxing totally. It is little annoying as I want to do so much and all I can do is sleep and lament that I am wasting time which can get a viscous circle. But as I keep saying I should not be surprised it is happening with what is going on in my life.

Recent events in the United Kingdom and the local elections when things did not go well for certain parties which caused a number of people I know or know of to say things all is lost. It got me thinking if I had the same attitude to when I was told I had cancer I would be dead now. I thought it really showed a lack of a backbone and a belief in their cause as they sounded like they we going to give up at the first set back.

This annoyed me as I could of done the same with my Cancer and given up but I did not. I lost respect for some of these people as they have a choice whether to fight or not and I did not ave the luxury of such a choice. Until few years ago I thought I was coward the last few years has shown otherwise which still amazes me even now but it now gives me little or no patience for those who give up to easily.

I know this is bit of a rant but I needed to say it somewhere and as per usual I lack to talent to write it down eloquently but at least I try.

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With what is going on today here in United Kingdom and being surrounded by people, especially on certain social networks, who insist of talking of defeat, it is difficult for me not to get angry with them. All this considering that I am currently in a fight with a tumour which has already tried to kill me once so defeat will mean I will die. I accept I will eventually die but I have made up my mind I will go down fighting.

It is not that I am brave but the only way to cope with my situation and if the tumour returns I will need this fighting spirit to survive. So when I see and hear people talking about defeat with a situation which they can change and it is not enviable makes me angry now.

After all I have no choice but to fight the tumour they have a choice!

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